constipation discount

Banana Republic owes me a constipation discount.

I spend my hard earned money there?

And what do I get in return?

Un-necessarily hard caca.

Hold on. I'll explain. Let me just flush wipe the Preparation H suppository residue off my fingers first.

okay, that's better. This keyboard will never chafe my fingers, but otherswise, all is well.

Where was I? Oh yeah. The constipation discount.

I was in the flagship Banana Republic in Santa Monica a few weeks ago with italian bf and two old-school friends of his from pizza land. I offloaded an armful of to-be tried on sale-rack items (grazie italian bf), and located the nearest sales associate . I encountered a pair.

"Hi. Can you tell me where the restroom is?"

Pause.

Creepy-looking-Banana-Republic-sales-associate-who-looks-like-the-guy-who-you-pay- to-fix -your-computer...the guy who will fix your computer, but not before he copies all the porn you have stashed away on your hard drive...that guy calmly says "our bathrooms are no longer available to the public."

there is some back and forth ending with him telling my incredulous self that there is a Starbucks across the street.

Taking a shit in a Starbucks bathroom on 3rd Street Promenade on a hot August Saturday in Santa Monica, California? No thanks. I'd rather revisit an Ohio Interstate 70 outhouse circa 1985.

Besides, isn't part of the deal of buying overpriced sale-rack clothes made in China but woven in pizza land (whatever that means) is that you have access to a relatively clean bathroom? especially when you are travelling and you're experienceing that fleeting moment where your bowels have said, "alright asshole. It's either now or a week from tuesday. It's your choice."

and that's why i want a constipation discount. I missed the window of opportunity.

In fact, I did talk to the manager after I paid. And she offered me a "one time exception" -- access to the bathroom. but I declined. by the time I got the offer, I was already on the week from tuesday plan.